19 January 2011

how did i get here?

today i drove to work. 

these parts i remember:

getting in the car and waiting for the condensation on the window to go away. 

and then...

pulling off the exit  (30 or so minutes later) and feeling my brain snap 'on'. 

i am not saying i was asleep at the wheel.  or that i wasn't paying attention.  just that i know the route so well i was able to check out and back in with no harm done. 

has that ever happened to you?

after i realized i spent the last 30 minutes spaced out, i wondered how often that happens. 

and now, i'm curious how often i check out for a whole day, wishing it away, hoping for tomorrow.  which happened yesterday.  and is here.  and i'm thinking about weekend plans.  do days like that turn into weeks?  months?  do years go by without a second thought?  my lapsed drive to work might as well have been my trip through college. 

the life i live is not my own.  i'm sharing it with more people than i realize.  i'm a part of something much bigger than i could ever realize, even imagine.  am i making it worthwhile?  and on whose scale?  how do i measure?  

maybe it's the little things.  like enjoying a nice night bowling with friends or a relaxing dinner with my hubby.  maybe it's the big things.  like moving to a different state, having a baby, or retiring.  maybe it's all or none.  

or maybe.  the secret to staying in the car on a routine drive or not wishing days away is realizing that while tomorrow is next in line, next in line is never guaranteed.

all i know is that i could not have tomorrow.  sure, it's a depressing thought.  but so real.  i want to always live like that.  with a sense of urgency, reality and always peace.   

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